By – PARANOID_REBORN
The reverse doosra team caught up with Misbah ul Haq at the start of the Pakistan-England ODI series.
This is what Misbah had to say:
Paranoid Reborn (“P”): Good morning Misbah. How are you doing?
Misbah ul Haq (“M”): Good Morning. I am doing really really well. Especially, the way the sun has just come out today has made the day very good.
P: Thank you for agreeing to speak with us. I am joined by my colleague Outlaw Torn (“O”) and we are just going to ask you a few questions. We will be recording this conversation. If there is something you don’t want us to publish please let us know and we will turn the recorder off.
M: Of course.
P: Misbah, first of all can you tell us the secret behind Pakistan’s recent success?
M: Of course. The way everyone is just performing is really really good, especially the players, the management, and the staff. I think we placed a lot of emphasis on discipline and it has been really really very helpful for us.
P: That’s good. But there must be some strategy that you devised because after a horrid 2010, since 2011 Pakistan has been one of the best teams in the world.
M: Of course. But before I tell you that can we go off record?
O: Sureee…I will turn the recorder off
P: Yes, no worries Misbah. Plus I am Paranoid. No one listens to me anyway.
M: Okay. I think the way everybody is just performing is because of 2 strategies that we have implemented. The Azhar Ali Method and the One Akmal Approach.
P: The Azhar Ali what and Akmal what?
M: The recorder is off right?
P: Misbah that doesn’t make much sense – but you have been winning so I will give you the benefit of doubt. What is the Akmal thing?
M: The One Akmal Approach is….[[the reversedoosra editors are perplexed with the One Akmal Approach and are currently deciphering it - once we figure it out it will be posted here - all we can say is that it involves the below video]]
O: Misbah that is an awesome strategy! Can I also recommend Knock Farhat’s Teeth Trick? Anyway how did you find this video of the Akmals?
M: Mohsin Khan got a laptop to look like a “coach” but he just wanted to watch YouTube music videos of himself. He is quite handsome like me, the Sky Sports commentators, David Gower, Bob Willis, etc. think that he is Johnny Cash. Anyway one day while watching his videos Mohsin saw this Akmal video and told me. Of course that is when I knew that the One Akmal Approach will really really work.
P: Okay Misbah so back on record. How much credit will you give Mohsin Khan? I always felt that more credit should be given to Waqar Younis because he was the one who handed this settled team to Mohsin.
M: Of course. The way Waqar just performed was very good. Especially whenever we needed to injure Imran Farhat he bowled really really fast in the nets and aimed for the bails.
O: Wait…don’t you guys practice without the bails in the nets?
M: Oh I didn’t say bails…I said..
P: (Interrupting M) Lets move on! Is it true that Waqar left for personal reasons or it had to do with Shahid Afridi?
M: I think both those reasons were made up to confuse people. Pakistan cricket hadn’t had a controversy for a while so Waqar and Shahid thought it would be fun. I think they are really really crazy. What really happened was that Waqar, Shahid, and Irfan Pathan were hired by NASA for the Mars program.
O: Yes, I have heard of that? Wait – did you say Irfan Pathan??
M: Yes, as you all know now that Waqar sends spacecrafts with rovers to Mars. Shahid and Irfan were supposed to team up to launch satellites. Irfan would bowl satellites to Afridi and we all know what happens when Irfan bowls to Afridi. Things go in orbit!
O: That makes sense. So what happened?
M: Well..then again..it’s Irfan Pathan. He couldn’t even move the satellites let alone bowl them to Afridi! So I think luckily for us Afridi was not taken up by NASA.
P: Okay! getting back to actual cricket. Why did you ask for Shoaib Malik to be included in the team? He has been terribly out of form and hasn’t done anything of note since marrying Sania Mirza!
M: Well it is because he hasn’t done anything that’s why I asked him to be included in the team.
P: Wait, What??
M: Of course. You see Sania Mirza and Shoaib Malik live in Dubai. Malik hasn’t been playing well so doesn’t have any money anymore. He was in BPL losing matches and not performing well and didn’t have money to come to Dubai. As I am a nice guy I thought it would be good idea to reunite him with his wife by flying him back to UAE on PCB’s money.
P: On that note I think I don’t have any additional questions….
O: I am glad that Shoaib Malik is back in the team! He and Wahab Riaz should always play! Can you please tell us how your MBA has helped you in cricket?
M: Of course. I think the MBA has really really helped. I have created a complex model in excel using VBA that does Monte Carlo simulations and gives me outcomes for my different strategies; the Azhar Ali Method, the One Akmal Approach, the Help Gilani Batting, the Senior Citizen Strategy, the Professorship, etc. Plus the MBA impresses Geoff Lawson so its good.
O: Those sound amazing! What is Help Gilani Batting?
M: I can’t say but I think you should watch the world cup semi-final.
P: Why does Sanjay Manjrekar always say “Looks extremely fit..Misbah” whenever you come on screen while he is commentating.”
M: That is because even though we are of the same age I am still playing while he has the job of stopping people from muting their TVs when Arun Lal is with him in the commentary box.
O: So your saying people are impressed by your fitness. Rocky used to have raw eggs before a 4 am jog. Asif used to have brawls with security personnel. Wasim Akram used to not smoke cigarettes. What is your secret?
M: Have you seen Shallow Hal?
O: Parts of it, because it had George Castanza in it. Otherwise it was quite lame.
M: Well it was kind of a true story since its happening to Manjrekar and quite a lot of other people as well. I am only marginally fit. I have love handles. But you guys see me as Christian Bale in the Machinist. And I think its because I have taken the place of Inzamam in the batting line up. Relativity.
P: Weirdly that actually makes sense. So given that in reality you look like a Ranatunga, will you take your team off the field if one of Ajmal’s deliveries is ever called a no-ball due to his action?
M: No no no. That is so wrong. I will just ignore it.
O: How will you be able to ignore continuous no-balls in a match? That’s crazy.
M: The same way we used to ignore Kamran Akmal’s dropped ‘a-blind-6-year-old-girl-with-butter-on-her-hands-would-have-caught-it‘ catches.
P: Point taken. I imagine any other team would walk-off the field until Akmal gives his gloves up. I commend you for your patience Misbah. With that we will leave you alone for now, and continue this at another time when you ‘really really’ want to.
M: Thank you really really much. I would just like to apologize to my fans in advance for punching the middle Akmal really really hard in the jaws soon.
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